This past week I received a lot of new spam mail. Remember, I only gave this email to employers that are well known such as Kmart and Macy’s, etc. The funny thing was, this week the spammers seemed to have dementia or something, because they sent the same email 3+ times either in one day or in two days. Or they’re just sufferers of OCD.
To: Frank Wilson
Headline: I was on a business commercial again, wasn’t I…
Thanks for sending your email twice in the same day then again the following day, I hope that ADHD is going well for you. But your efforts are wasted as I am not a fellow auditor and if you knew me you would know that I care very little about money. Plus, I don’t work for PNC or Citizen’s Bank… Why you people keep thinking of me after seeing business commercials is beyond me. Looks like I’ll have to call both banks now and see if they’re also copying Edgar Snyder and Geiko by putting my email address on their commercials for contact. When will I get paid my dues for this??
Waiting for payments,
The Steadfast Contessa
To Carter Glenn, personal assistance is needed? Did Jackie Chan come teach you a lesson before I could? Dang. So you must be asking about your missing teeth. How about this, you don’t spam anyone and every week you don’t send spam you get one tooth back? I think that is a pretty sweet deal.
To Canadiana Pharmacy, I do not want Viagra. I am not a man, though I seem to have to wear the pants most of the time. Did you talk to one of my exes who couldn’t be a real man, and thought possibly I stole his penis because he cried like a little girl if you said even one semi encouraging thing to someone else besides him? I think you did speak to him, c’mon… admit it!
To Mr. Mark Gregg, inquiry 1 about what? This must be about me praying to Joe Pesce and Tom Cruise. Send them your ‘inquiry’ about how to pray, not me. I’m not the pastor of any church, unfortunately not even the one that prays to those two. Or, you’re also inquiring about missing teeth, in that case I can’t help you as I’m trying to find all of Carter’s teeth already….
To all the [No Subject]s, [You annoy me. Dr. Phil must be missing patients who need help fixing their stupidity. Enjoy your trip to go see him and tell him to stop referring patients to me when he’s on vacation. Have a nice day.]
To Fedex Courier Service, I don’t know what parcel you’re speaking of that you keep sending emails about. I don’t use Fedex. Plus you sent me two emails with two different ways to spell Fedex/FedEx…. I hate spelling errors. Oh, wait you jogged my memory, I know what parcel you are referring to but why would you ask for it? After all, my fist is going to be slamming into your face, who would ask for that? Spammers, that’s who.
To: Barrister Thomas Okon
Headline: Dang it Edgar Snyder, sending me their employees to discipline now?
You’re a barrister, meaning you act on behalf of clients and that makes me wonder what you need my response for. I guess barrister is the lawyer’s form of spammer when it comes to email. You know the boss isn’t going to be happy with you sending me emails instead of working your case. Weren’t you supposed to be in court 40 minutes ago Thomas? Did you not take your separate examination in South Carolina like Edgar told you to? You were too busy typing this email to remember? Ugh doctors and lawyers are now both officially going to hell. You all would rather send me emails than to do your jobs.
Slamming her head off of her desk,
The Steadfast Contessa